“50 WAYS TO TWIST A TORTURE INVESTIGATION”

Or, How Bush Can Ignore the Ban Against Cruel, Unusual & Inhumane Treatment of Prisoners

(with profuse apologies to Paul Simon)

1. Pretend it didn’t occur, Sir
2. Let’s modify Webster, Hester
3. Change the law, Ma
4. Blame it on others, Brothers
5. Have someone else do it, Louis
6. Don’t let them know, Joe
7. Hide the man, Stan
8. Use a poison pill, Bill
9. Bury the bones, Jones
10. Call it just partisan bias, Tobias
11. Pretend it’s all phony, Tony
12. Attack the press, Bess
13. Tighten the lid, Sid
14. Be quite contrary, Harry
15. Say it was a Democrat, Pat
16. Certainly wasn’t me, McGee
17. Ignore the rules, Jules
18. Burn the photo, Toto
19. Erase the tape, Jake
20. Destroy the rest, Les
21. Wear ‘em down, Brown
22. Delay and delay, Mr. DeLay
23. Give prosecutors the ax, Max
24. Trim their staff, Taft
25. Cut their budget, Bridget
26. Replace the jury, Drury
27. Use party hacks, Jack
28. Slip them money, Honey
29. Lie on the stand, Man
30. Take the 5th, Cliff
31. Don’t solemnly swear, Jer
32. Intimidate the judge, Drudge
33. Declare a security alert, Bert
34. Claim new kind of enemy, Jiminy
35. Trick ‘em slick, Dick
36. Pull a “Caesar,” Geezer
37. It’s none of their business, Dennis
38. Arrest any protester, Lester
39. Talk about traitors, Tater
40. Put a bag on their head, Ted
41. Strip ‘em naked, Jacob
42. Use the water board, Ford
43. Throw ‘em in jail, Gail
44. Proclaim we’re never inhumane, Jane
45. Start a new war, Fillmore
46. Blow them away, Jay
47. Show them no pity, Liddy
48. Don’t worry, I’ll pardon you, Lou
49. Give them the finger, Inger
50. Trust in voter ennui, Henry