“PRIVATIZING AND PIRATIZING IRAQ”

Or, Let’s Give the Iraq Occupation to Those Who Want It

Here’s an idea that might at least partially satisfy both those who want to get out of Iraq and those who insist on staying. Let’s declare it a private war and let those who want it hereafter do all the dying and all the paying for it.

First, we allow each solider in our supposedly all volunteer military decide whether or not to volunteer for Iraq duty. That might turn out to be as the commercials call it, an Army of One, but so be it. The Prez has been saying we need to bring democracy to the Muslims. So, let’s start by letting the soldiers whose lives are at stake vote on whether they want to be there. How much more democratic can you get?

Of course, we will need to call them something other than the United States Army since obviously we are anything but united on the subject. How about Bush’s Boys or Republican Raiders or something to distinguish them? Give them special shoulder patches or tattoos so that the rest of the military in their peace keeping missions elsewhere will not be tainted by whatever atrocities and tortures Bush’s Boys happen to indulge in while democratizing Iraq back to rubble.

Better yet, transfer all those who want to fight in Iraq to become employees of Halliburton and Blackwater and the other private companies already operating over there with private mercenary forces. That way, there would be even less connection to the rest of us. Halliburton, Blackwater and the others will probably not do it out of “patriotism” since, by their war profiteering, they have proven they have none. A way must be found to pay them to absorb Bush’s Boys. It’s too late to offer them whatever they can steal from the Iraqis. They have already done that and think of the unpumped oil as their own private stock anyway.

So, we need to insure that those back in the state who have been proclaiming they want the war, but are too afraid to risk their own skins, start providing all the funds for it. Perhaps a special check off box could be put on the income tax forms to indicate that they favor the war. They would then be automatically taxed a special surtax, say, 50% of what their normal tax burden would be. That gets put in a special fund earmarked only for whatever Iraq punishment or violence the Prez feels like.

Since the super rich who most favor the war tend not to pay any taxes, that might leave the Prez a little short, but perhaps he could divert his voluminous campaign contributions to the fund or perhaps create a special tax on oil importers which could not be passed on to the consumers. Maybe the Prez could do a telethon to raise money if he needs a little extra to bomb someone special.

So that the rest of us are not penalized for being associated with the Prez’s Crescent Crusade, we need to single out who is behind the Iraq Operation: Eternity Occupation and who isn’t. Perhaps a large, easily visible red letter could be affixed to buildings owned by supporters of the continued private war. Perhaps there could be a website listing the names and addresses. That way, any suicidal bombers offended might go after them, the ones responsible, rather than those in opposition to the war which had nothing to do with 9/11.

That might be tough on those who occupy such buildings. Nevertheless, as the Prez says, it’s a “Struggle for Civilization” itself. So, for those who believe him, what’s a little risk? They can prove they’re not a coward. They can prove that “patriotism” now means blindly following whatever the Prez says.

And, the rest of us, we can get on with our lives without having to pay for the colossal stupidity of the five Republican Supreme Court Justices’ putting George Bush in power.