"POLITICIAN DOUBLESPEAK - A LEXICON"

Or, The Unofficial Guide to What Officials Are Telling You

What Politicians Say:	What Politicians Really Mean:
“The article about me was fair and balanced.”	The newspaper for some reason actually printed my press release verbatim.
“The article about my opponent was fair and balanced.”	The newspaper for some reason printed the unsubstantiated rumors my press secretary whispered in a bar last week.
“I will never raise taxes.”	I will call it something else.
“I'll never lie to you.”	I'm lying to you now.
“I have an overwhelming mandate.”	Fortunately for me, there doesn’t have to be a majority of all eligible voters.
“I despise bureaucracies.”	Unless I am elected.
“I can solve the problem.”	I obviously cannot comprehend what the problem is.
“I am always willing to listen to relevant facts and I welcome alternative points of view.”	Why am I forced to waste time listening to drivel? The lobbyist already told me how to vote.
“My opponent is a crook.”	I am a crook.
“I am a reasonable man.”	The bribe you offered is not enough.
“My door is always open to any constituent.”	I just won't be there at the time.
“I enjoy getting back to my roots.”	About as much as I enjoy getting a root canal.
“I respect my esteemed colleagues.”	If you believe that, I can probably sell you a bridge too.
“I am middle of the road.”	As if I would say anything else.
“I have made a careful study.”	My aide handed it to me ten minutes ago.
“Thousands cried out for this proposal.”	I got two calls about this. Both were lobbyists
“This is good for the people.”	This will get me re-elected. So, who cares what else it does.
“Rules are important.”	But they don’t apply to me.
“I believe in majority rule.”	I should rule.
“We must increase education.”	Except of the electorate.
“I am not a professional politician.”	I am unprofessional in everything I do.