“BULLET V. BULLET”

Or, How to Tell the Violent Leader of a Terrorist Group From a Gallant Defender of Freedom

Terrorist	President
Uses airplanes as a means of destruction	Uses airplanes as a means of destruction, but does not insist the pilots commit suicide
Targets civilians as well as military	Explains the targeted dead were either military or mere collateral damage
Assumes opponents are guilty and beheads them without trial	Assumes opponents are guilty until they prove themselves innocent without benefit of counsel in secret military tribunals
Thinks torturing is a good policy and doesn’t care who knows.	Thinks torturing is a good policy, but doesn’t want the voters to know
Does not allow a free press	Does not want a free press, but allows it so long as all government mistakes and crimes are first classified top secret
Wears funny head coverings everywhere he goes	Only wears funny head coverings when in Texas
Dresses up in fake combat gear for photo ops in front of a cave	Also dresses up in combat gear costume, but uses an aircraft carrier for the staged backdrop
Stereotypes others and is suspicious of everyone who looks or acts differently	Does not stereotype, but merely profiles and investigates anyone who looks or acts differently
Seeks to stomp out all political parties except his own	Tolerates opposition parties so long as they keep their mouth shut and remain a powerless minority
Demonizes enemies as spawn of Satan who must be killed	Demonizes enemies as unspeakably evil men who must be killed, but is not sure whether Satan actually parented them
When caught deliberately lying, charges the accuser of being a heretic	When caught deliberately lying, charges the accuser of being politically motivated
Invokes religion to justify breaking koran commandments and international laws and insists his religion is the only correct one	Invokes religion to justify breaking bible commandments and international laws, but knows his own religion is the correct one
Launches "jihads" against unbelievers	Launches "crusades" against unbelievers
Believes anyone who opposes the methods of those in power is a heretic	Believes anyone who opposes the methods of those in power is unpatriotic
Believes extremism in defense of extremism is no vice	Believes he must destroy the village in order to save it
Hides in a cave and sends others to do the fighting	Hides in a bunker and sends others to do the fighting
Likes to curse at others	Likes to curse at others, but only if the microphone is turned off
Doesn't speak English well	Doesn't know he doesn't speak English well
Cannot be found	Has never been found in a library, an unemployment line, a waiting room, or a real war zone
Believes he is a compassionate conservative	Tells others he is a compassionate conservative and hopes he is believed
Refuses to negotiate	Refuses to negotiate, but rationalizes it as the other side started it
Fully realizes that blowing up enemies will generate retaliations	Has learned absolutely nothing about retaliations from the entire known history of the world and especially half a century of middle eastern conflict
Read the Bible and the Koran	Read the Bible and heard of the Koran
Has parents who were rich	Has parents who were rich and former Presidents
Does not believe in civil liberties	Believes civil liberties are only for our own citizens and not all of them
Muslim	Believes only Muslims are terrorists
Does not drink	Only binged back when he was a "kid," i.e., throughout his teens, twenties, thirties and forties.
Does not believe in freedom of religion	Believes in freedom of religion so long as it is Christian, preferably militantly evangelical Baptist
Believes God tells him what to do	Acts like God and believes he may be related
Wants to destroy the US economy	Has been pretty darned successful in destroying the US economy with crashing stocks, rocketing unemployment and worthless savings interest
Should be arrested and tried by the International Court of Justice	Should be impeached and tried by the Senate or the International Court of Justice