“POPULATION CONTROL”

Or, How to Solve the Illegal Immigrant and Indolent Aristocracy Problem at the Same Time

Ya know, as I listen to all the facile “solutions” debated by office seeking politicians and spittle spewing pundits in their 30-second unilateral sound bites regarding what they term the “illegal immigration problem,” it occurs to me that there is potential alternative that can actually address the concerns of both camps in this controversy.

The “keep ‘em out” crowd says there are too many immigrants taking up jobs, costing the government money for health care, etc. In fact, many of this persuasion insist there are too many people in this country period. They claim we should make it even more difficult to enter by building a huge fence and obstacle course blocking their way.

The other side claims that anyone who unstoppably goes through such hurdles, barriers and difficulties is exactly what this county needs. Dedicated, hard working, family oriented people willing to do anything to get here and do whatever is necessary to stay.

When contemplating the dilemma, I can’t help but remember the obstacle courses from my army basic training days. They made us run them to turn us into better, stronger soldiers and it worked.

So, let’s go ahead and build a spectacularly difficult obstacle course to get into this country that must be surmounted before you can hold a job or be a citizen. While we are at it though, let’s also impose a 100% estate tax and transport every teenager outside our borders on their 21st birthday. Or, maybe just tell them they can’t come back from the Budweiser “Girls Gone Wild” Spring Break in Matzatlan.

Allot them food for a couple of days and, say, $20. Tell them that if they want to return, they must prove their future worth by running the gauntlet. They don’t get in otherwise and we live it to the smart tenacious ones to figure it out. The concept is that they don’t automatically get to have welfare or rely on inheritance or any other free ride merely because of where a sperm happened to fertilize an egg. Let everyone independently prove their worth by successfully scaling the obstacle course.

Since that would be merely a physical test of endurance and skill, maybe once they make it back here, they also should be required to pass the same basic knowledge tests as “legal” immigrants must do now before they can be full citizens and vote. If some one does not know, for instance, that there are three equal branches of government or that kings do not occupy the White House, then why should they be entrusted to figure out a voting machine?

It’s going to be tough on pampered rich kids likes the Bushes or the Kennedys who grew up feeling entitled suddenly being equalized. But, if they pass all the tests and obstacles, then even they deserve to be citizens.